My hair fell out this past week. At first it came out kind of slowly, then one day I ran my fingers through it and a whole handful came out. Yuck. I had this idea that I would treat it really cautiously and not wash it as much and that I would wear hats and hang on to it as long as I could. But even short hair gets all over the place and is messy and annoying. It was everywhere and a constant reminder of what was yet to come.
So, I had Ben shave it off. Actually it was his idea and it was very sweet of him to do it. I was much more traumatized than he was. Somehow I thought that I would be ok with it, that I was prepared to be bald for a while, that it would be a nice change of pace or something. I was surprised that I was so sad to lose my hair, so sad. I thought I would be ok with wearing hats, so I tried wearing a hat to work all of last week. The problem is when you're a bald person wearing a hat, you really just look like a bald person wearing a hat. I mean, it's so obvious and I felt pretty self conscious.
So, I bought a wig yesterday and I wore it all day and then to a party last night and I felt soooo much better. I don't know exactly, but for me I think that the self-consciousness that accompanies being bald is a constant reminder to me that I'm in this predicament that I'm in. I mean, sometimes I just wanna forget about it for a minute, that's all. It's tiring, this disease. It's all encompassing. Everything in your life shifts. I mean it's good, but it's tiring. All the talking, researching, writing, reading, doctors, scheduling, testing, not to mention just coping with the side effects of the treatment.
Everyone I've talked to has said they bought the wig and never really wore it. I myself am going to wear the shit out of this wig. I'm going to do everything except sleep in it.
4 comments:
Hi Susan, I'm Anne's and Bill's friend, and Ben went to day care with our older daughter - so I've known the Barnes for a long time.
I've been following your progress through Anne and Bill, and through the Bakers, who are our mutual friends.
I was happy to see that you posted an update, and I'm so sorry you had to loose your hair. I have done some volunteering at the Gilda's Club House in Pgh (when I first heard about your illness, I checked to see if there was a Club House near you, and alas, there isn't - it's such a great place/program) and I always notice that the women who don't wear wigs or scarves almost always look so pretty - and I note that I know
I wouldn't look that good. I hope that you will begin to feel comfortable with whatever you decide to do while your hair is growing back.
well, I just wanted to check in with you and Ben to see if I could get an update. Anne and Bill are so fond of you - so I know you're a good person! and good people don't deserve to be sick - if only somehow I could get that message out to the universe!
Hi Susan,
we are really glad you found out what works for you and got a wig. unlike Bill, you don't have the option of growing a beard to offset baldness. (at least not yet anyway, maybe when you're 89 or thereabouts). you would be gorgeous wearing a bag on your head. Send a picture when you can and keep doing what you're doing.
we love you, Anne and Bill (Gracie sends slobber-love)
Susan, if you don't sleep in it, Ben might find out you have no hair!
you are brave- Im sending Positive energy your way! Love
Matthew
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